5 Indestructible Cars For The Survivalist’s Dream Garage

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Do you stockpile canned food and wear tin foil hats? Then get in here.

Days spent lurking Internet conspiracy forums and watching movies on the Illuminati can have a drastic effect on a person. It can make someone go from being a vibrant social being to residing in their basement stockpiling canned food and waiting for the worst to come. Thing is, it’s tough to buy canned food without a car. And even a diehard survivalist needs to come out of their cave from time to time. So if this particular paranoid individual happens to also have stockpiles of cash right near their survival kits, what cars would they keep in their garage?

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Who said that the apocalypse had to be an uncomfortable experience? Movies and TV shows always portray the hero as bloodied and battered, running away from attackers and fighting for life in the wilderness. What they don’t show is the intelligent survivalist who remains comfortable and cocooned in a mobile luxury bomb shelter like the Knight XV. With armor that will shrug off armor-piercing rounds as if they were mosquitoes, nothing is going to stop this insane/prepared individual from resting in the leather seats inside the living room of a rear end while watching the entertainment outside from the monitors within. When they need to leisurely escape, a 6.8-liter V10 ensures that nothing will stand in the way.

In-N-Out Burger may have a secret menu, but Hyundai has an even better secret: it’s the brand of choice for undergoing the collapse of society. Its apocalyptic prowess was made known in the TV show The Walking Dead, where a Hyundai Tucson protected its celebrity occupants from certain death. To go a step further, Hyundai debuted a modified Elantra coupe that was dressed in zombie-killing clothes. A front plow and spikes all around provided a means of attack while caged windows allow for suppressing fire and keeping rotting jaws from getting inside. Don’t worry if budgeting is an issue, there’s always the cheaper Hyundai Tucson Walking Dead Edition that comes complete with a survival pack in addition to Hyundai’s innate survival supremacy.

Donal O'Keeffe is a designer by day but in the recesses of his mind lays the mentality of a true survivalist. That’s why he took the time to spread his talent and retrofit the taxis of the world to become badass Mad Max survival vehicles. This is very helpful because one never knows just where the beginning of the end of the world will take place. Here in America, assume that the Ford Crown Victoria will be the taxi of choice, so just follow O’Keeffe’s directions and cage the windows, don bulletproof vests, and store survival supplies in a net behind the front of the car (aka the battering area). At the end of the world, this will be the best ride you can hail.

The end of the world usually means that nothing goes as planned, especially not the availability of good roads on which to drive. That’s why a survivalist may want to consider the Mercedes Unimog. In Mercedes’ own words, the machine offers “absolute off-road supremacy.” With a high ground clearance afforded by ported axles and bulletproof simplicity, they’re probably right. Nothing is impossible for the Unimog because it has eight forward gears and six reverse gears, including a crawler setting for the unusually tough terrain. Any straggler left for dead on the side of the road will watch a Unimog go by and turn green from the envy. They may have laughed when their shut-in nut job neighbor bought a Unimog, but look who’s laughing now.

The Mercedes Unimog might be able to climb over any difficult obstacles, but the Paramount Group Marauder can go through them entirely. Buildings and debris will simply crumble under the wheels of this 21,000-pound machine. Top Gear showed the world how a bomb that could take out a Hummer would only leave a crater under the Marauder. With that unparalleled ability for destruction, the Marauder is the perfect vehicle for those who lack empathy and don the “kill or be killed” philosophy. A payload with capacity for ten people ensures that even the family dog will stay safe from indiscriminate massacre. Don’t worry about buying a house, just drum up $650,000 just to be on the safe side.

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