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These Are The Top 5 Cars The Stig Would Buy If He Had Kids

This is the dream garage for gearheads who bulk order tires and diapers.

Everyone has to grow up, but the hardest thing to try and grow out of is an addiction to cars. Automotive engineers know that gearheads don’t shy away from childhood dreams that easily, even with a baby on the way. That’s why the mathematically-gifted and antisocial Samaritans have built cars that will haul a family, kill quarter miles like it’s their job, and even pass the gift of automotive love from one generation to another. Here are the top picks for the gear-headed new parent’s dream garage.

When Porsche brought the Cayenne to market back in 2002, enthusiasts were ready to storm offices in Stuttgart with pitchforks. Luckily Porsche knew exactly what it was doing and ended up producing one of the most fun and profitable SUVs ever. It also was one of the first companies to foresee the luxury SUV craze and capitalize on it. Foresight may be a useful component to business success, but for automakers, a good car is what does the rest of the job. The Cayenne Turbo S more than meets that criteria. It has a V8 making 570 horses of pavement pounding power and can hit the 60 mph mark from standstill in only 3.8 seconds. Hide yo kids and hide yo wife (or husband) because you’ll want some time alone with this one.

The BMW M5 has always been the first pick for road trip comfort, grocery store practicality, and humiliating opponents on the track for a good reason. A twin turbo V8 makes 575 horsepower and rockets the sedan from 0-60 mph in 3.6 seconds while every tech toy in the book infiltrates the interior and keeps things comfortable and safe. Enthusiasts will love the fact that a manual is optional to make even the morning ritual of dropping the kids off at school an event. The BMW M5 is also perfect for the perpetually late parent. Wait until the last possible moment to make it to a child’s play and then use the M5 for some fun Transporter-like maneuvers. The parents might walk in with sex hair, but at least the whole family will have a smile on their faces.

The Tesla Model X is for the Lamborghini lover who is pissed off that the Urus isn’t out yet. It has falcon wing doors that will make a supercar entrance and also has the performance to pull it off. In P90D spec, the Model X will crush some Ferraris and pull off a quiet 0-60 mph launch in 3.2 seconds, making this one of the best options for incognito stoplight drag races while the kids are at soccer practice. The practicality of dual trunks and easy car seat access will relieve some of the headaches associated with children. Parents who are managing to save for college tuition while running on no sleep will appreciate autopilot functionality and can be rest assured that the car is gearhead approved.

The Chevrolet SS is for the parent who loves high performance muscle cars with ultimate sleeper status. About 90% of fellow commuters won’t have a clue that this seemingly innocent family sedan has a 415 horsepower engine under the hood ready to shout at bad drivers who don’t pay attention to the “Baby On Board” stickers. At $46,000, the Chevy SS is also the cheapest option on the list, meaning slower children won’t have to worry about getting scholarships just to afford school. Magnetic shock absorbers make for silky smooth rides that induce sleep in toddlers while a simple push of a button arms the suspension for the racetrack. Unfortunately the low price comes with a “disappointing” 0-60 mph time of 4.6-seconds, so watch who you race.

Families wanting to actually hit the race track and still have room for enough snacks to be the classroom’s favorite parent may want to take a dip into the BMW X6 M’s territory. A 567 horsepower twin-turbo V8 makes sure of that, and so does 1.01 G of road holding grip. As lardy as the car is, there are hardly any SUVs that can handle a corner or a supercar like the BMW X6 M. A rush from 0-60 mph happens in 3.7 ticks of the stopwatch and beefy brakes make a stop from 70 mph in the same distance as the lighter BMW M3. In fact, most of the X6 M’s performance metrics match that of the M3 but it doesn’t have the pesky problem of having to hope the kids grow up to be short.

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