If you're a VIP or celebrity who legitimately thinks Jade Helm is a government conspiracy, Lexani Motorcars has the SUV for you. The boutique company specializes in luxurious armored cars, most recently knocking our socks off with a custom Cadillac Escalade. Its latest creation is the NOIR, a Toyota Land Cruiser with carpeting, plush seats, a Samsung TV and even a mini champagne fridge.

The NOIR has to weigh a ton as it is coated in B6 armor, meaning it'll stop handguns as well as lighter rifles. No word on pricing but an SUV that looks as nice as a condo and packs enough armor to stop an ISIS-inspired college student won't come cheap. We've also included photos of Luxani Motorcars' Escalade, so let us know which one you'd trust with your life and comfort in the comments.